It would seem like day after day we try to avoid personal contact, worrying that someone will reach too far, too deep. Isn’t it amazing that every now and then we find ourselves drawn to a mere share of a human emotion, personal closeness?…
There’s a myth. (Yes, I know. Myths have their own page, but, this one is special. It deserves its own little domain).
93% of communication is non-verbal. (Yeah, right! If you wanna read the truth by the original researcher, follow this link)
And (and this one solely belongs to women), “You should know what I think!”
Well, Albert Mehrabian, the author of “93% of communication” myth has often debunked it himself. You can read about it more in the link above, but, suffice to say that the study dealt with ambiguous interaction. Another words, if the listener is not sure of what is being said, they resort to reading body language, expression, and tonality. If the message is clear, no guessing is involved.
As far as “guess what I think.” Allow me to take a step back.
In 1987 I was a part of growing martial arts studio in Kiev, Ukraine. Our members were rather skilled, and, as part of one experiment, we focused on exchanging mental images. The image that my partner and I successfully conveyed to each other was a big blank tank on a grassy green knoll. I remember clearly seeing an image of the tank, and, my partner was successful in receiving similar image from me. Not everyone, however, was successful in that exercise.
Now, remember, this was a controlled environment, and, it had far less than 100% success rate. It also dealt with rather primitive imagery. It is impossible, or, at least, unknown to modern science, to exchange thoughts at will, as well as read them from unwilling participant. Imagine, for a moment, that you’re in a social gathering, and, the woman in front of you gives you that “You should know what I’m thinking” expression. How successful could you be in such a situation?
So, there you are. A closed-minded woman, addressing a Neanderthal man, with a non-verbal communique “You should know what I’m thinking!”
You think I’m being harsh? Let’s be honest here. Quite a few women are adept at getting what they want. Show me a 13-year old girl, who doesn’t know how to batter her eyelashes and say “Daddy, can I have a bicycle?” and I’ll show you a white rhino.
Men, on the other hand, are a great deal simpler. (I should know, I used to be as thick as rhino’s hide.) If something is unclear, it’s a great deal easier to avoid it, rather than ask for clarification. I suppose, it makes us feel less of a man, a man who cannot lead. We lose our direction.
The result, however, regardless of what the reasons are, is the same everywhere you look. Women believe that men should read their minds, and, men, at the very same time, pretend that they would rather eat a box full of nails then to ask “Umm, honey, not to be rude, but, what the hell do you want?”
Irreconcilable differences. The biggest reason for divorces as of late. Is it because all of a sudden people forgot how to communicate? Is it because men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Do we speak different languages?
Well, neither of those, of course. We simply don’t know how to communicate, and, blame so much on the other person: “He/she doesn’t understand me!”
Myth #1: You must improve yourself before seeking a relationship.
We’re all different, and, who’s to say what’s an improved version of us?
Certain issues aside (violence and abuse), it is those little quirks that make us stand out. Why would you want to improve that little sideways smirk that is so adorable to others? Or, the obsession with cleanliness, that makes you so adorable?
Learn to enjoy yourself. It’s that simple.
Myth # 2: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
Really? As in, male species are entirely different from our female counterparts? Or, perhaps, avoid the obvious pun at the supposed physiological differences, we think differently? As in, men think in a way that’s entirely foreign to women? And, vice versa?
People lack the skills to communicate well. Simple as that.
The best example is the small number of women in motorsports. Is that because women aren’t as good at driving a car as men? Well, that has been proven wrong many times over. Is it because women don’t take risks? Well, that is not true either.
Is it simply because women aren’t as big an adrenaline junkies as most men. Again (yes, I love this phrase), it’s simple as that.
Myth #3: Somebody else knows why you’re single.
Is that so? Well, if they can tell (without ever meeting you!!!) why you’re single, perhaps, they can predict WHEN you will find the coolest partner you’ve never met. Funny enough, no “love guru” or “dating doctor” has ever implied that they’re akin to fortune tellers…
Myth #4: Information is costly.
Well, my dear friend, as you can clearly see from the example of this website, it isn’t. Most of the best info is right there for the taking. You just have to be quiet enough to hear it, and, not listen to public opinion.
Myth #5: My friends know dating.
You mean your friends that have bounced from one bad relationship to another? Your friends that are believe that there’s no such thing as true love, and, marriage is only a matter of convenience? That you search forever, and, in the end, you only find something just a little bit better than the rest of the bunch?
Well, allow me to dispel this one as well. I have created amazing relationships time and time again, and, have taught others how to do the same. Men, women, anyone who’s intelligent enough to understand that what they’ve done in the past has not worked, and, most likely, will never work.
Just ran into an old buddy of mine. And, he tells me of his ex/FWB, who’s dealing with yet another bad and verbally/emotionally/physically abusive boyfriend.
Now, my buddy Mike is one of those rare genuine warm people, who, even though he looks and acts like he’s the biggest player, is the first to give you the shirt off his back. He’s honest, kind, truthful, and his word is his bond.
His ex is none of those things. Her boyfriends are deadbeats, whereas my buddy is successful, respectful, kind, and, a gentleman through and through.
However, here’s what’s interesting.
The g/f is always in and out of bad relationships, and, has never even a kind word to say about any of her exes, including my buddy. He, on the other hand, has nothing but the good things to say about her.
Which prompts me to wonder.
Does the like attract the like?
Does a good person only see the good attributes in another? Will a person who lacks the ability to communicate believe that everyone else is communication-deprived? Does a man/woman who’s never been able to have a great relationship think that there is not a single soul who can have a great relationship?
Like all good dreams, it had a cinematic quality.
In my mind, it was a movie about unrequited love. They say dreams are the reflection of what we are thinking of. My dream started with the hero showing off on the beach. He’s a bit of an outsider, yet his proficiency in autocross (solo car racing) is evident. He triumphs over the beach-staged event. (Quite a feat to race your car on the sand!) Yet during the awards ceremony his love interest leaves, claiming that she has somewhere else to be.
Years pass, our protagonist has a wife, and even though life has moved on, he has not forgotten about his great love, when, lo and behold, she comes back with a husband in tow. On the way from the beach (hey, this is my movie!) she shares the ride with our hero, having completely forgotten what she used to be to him. Shocked at being shunned like that, our hero abandons everything, his life, his wife, and moves back to the beach and the surf.
Time passes, and the main characters are passed their middle age. There is a streak of grey in her hair, and his, once well-trimmed top is now a mane of wild white hair. His wife has left long ago after learning of his devotion to his love, and his days have been spent playing in the churning surf. By some account, his love, still with her husband, learns of what has happened to our hero.
She is surprised. She is confused. She always thought that that was only a fleeting crush. She was convinced that for him it would pass, just like it did for her. In almost surreal disbelief, she visits our hero on the beach and discovers that he’s been always in love with her, he’s been always devoted and committed to her.
And now, seeing the utter look of disbelief on her face, he draws no conclusion. He simply does one thing. He makes a decision to leave. He takes his surfboard and paddles into the big surf, never to be seen again…
A good movie doesn’t make conclusions. It allows you to draw them. As it is my movie, here’s my conclusion. It makes little sense to spend one’s life waiting. Sometimes, even though we don’t want to, it is time to move on, off the beach…
It’s a funny thing… Certain muscles and facilities are so rarely used, yet we expect them to be readily available when we need them. Do they grow “stale” if we disuse or abuse them?
I remember how my eyes slowly became less and less acute the more I subjected them to rigors of reading books at night. My lower back muscles became virtually nonexistent as I spend my 30’s avoiding nearly all and every exercise. It was a long and difficult road back.
And what about our other facilities?
Information alone will not make you better. Only judicial study, combined with continuous practice will result in lasting usable skills.
That I find myself unable to say:”the site is done”?
Why do I keep thinking “something is missing”?
recipe, steps, ingredients
This is a relationship site, but, it’s not like anything you’ve ever come across.
This is not the site where I hold your hand and tell you “It’s OK, it’s not you, it’s them.” Most of the time, it IS you.
This is not the site where I tell you “Here are ALL the reasons why you’re single.” If I really could do that, I’d retire in a month. We, as human beings, are far too complex for such a simple analysis (especially when done without meeting you).
This site is only about one thing. The best information about relationships and human interactions.
And, I’m giving it away for free. Why? Several reasons:
a) I don’t like people struggling with misinformation. I’d rather you know the truth, than believe a lie.
b) I believe in free information. Everything you see on this site was free (or, nearly free) to find. It is the gathering of said info that was costly.
c) Information by itself is useless. Only through utilizing the best information, and, putting it into practice, can you ever hope to achieve any results.
It is all up to you.
Whether you read this and decide not to act on it, whether you try it out and forget after only a few attempts, or, if you decide to change your life, and, create that most amazing relationship through effort, dedication, and, information on this site.
So, let’s start at the beginning!
I wonder how many people, enticed by the notion of seducing someone, have truly understood the meaning of the word.
Thefreedictionary.com gives three meanings. Third is to “win over, attract”, second is “to induce to engage in sex”, and, first, and, primary meaning is “to lead away from duty, accepted principles, or proper conduct”. Primary meaning is also closely associated with “to lure”, with the only exception that “lure” means to entice with the promise of a reward, while “to seduce” offers no reward.
Let’s think about this one. Attract a [woman] with the promise of sex, thereby having her break all the proper etiquette and accepted behavior, yet offering her no reward for her troubles, save for excitement of the moment.
Wow. What a concept! I’m sure when summarized like that, no woman could or would ever resist such a tempting offer.
Yet, why? Why bother? A simple observation can easily single out ordinary curiosity and attraction for everyone. Don’t believe me? Re-read “The Hunchback of Notre-Dame” by Victor Hugo. Esmeralda was the most beautiful woman in town, and, Quasimodo, well, he was Quasimodo. A creature so ugly, his name became synonymous with the word “hunchback”.
So, history tells us that even the ugliest creature has something beautiful going for them, and, also, something that holds attraction for opposite sex. Then, wouldn’t it be a simpler path to discover that inner (and outer) beauty and learn to recognize those who admire these qualities in us?
Or, is it more believable to feed your brain with “this technique cannot fail”, or, “this is the surefire online opener!”?
Are we willingly deceiving ourselves, or, are we willingly allow charlatans to take our money, while feeding our sense of insecurity?
Will a “Bernie Madoff” have to happen before we realize “love/sex/relationship is a lot simpler than we believe”?
We were sitting in a Portuguese restaurant on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. My friend Rachel, her two New York friends, my sister and I. I liked the place. It was cozy, spacious, wonderful menu, and, the cutest female bartender, who barely spoke English, which made flirting with her a pure joy.
Having let my body go, and, my muscles being in a constant “flabby” state, I had been drinking, as I was doing for a while now. That night, I had started on bourbon, and, continued in the restaurant. Sometimes it was easier to pretend that alcohol made the lower back pain go away.
I looked at my sister. She seemed tired, but, when I asked her, she told me that she was fine. I repeated the same phrase that by now had become nearly a mantra for me. “You know that I love you. No matter what, I’ll always be there for you”.
Something that my parents never said to me, and, something that I felt my sister had to be constantly reminded of.
“Yeah, yeah, I know”, came the fatigued reply.
“How’s life?”, I asked.
“Fine. Work is good”.
“What about personal life?”
A smirk appeared on her lips, and, in this moment, I was reminded how acerbic my sister can be. Nobody has ever claimed her to be the funniest person in the room, but, every now and then, she uttered something that made you double up with laughter, and fall to the floor, clutching your sides.
“Just ducky. I’m dating my Blackberry”.
As we were driving out of NYC the next day, sobered and somber, I reflected on what my sister said.
How many women find themselves in her situation?
How many women work their asses off to establish a decent career, bust their butt in the gym to appear more attractive to opposite sex, only to find themselves past 30, single career gal, with their parents gentle prodding of “When are we going to see our grandkids?”
Their girlfriends have gotten married some 10 years ago. Their friends are either confirmed bachelorettes, or are going through their second or third marriage.
They get together for that “once-a-month” lunch, share the stories of “how rotten the kids are”, “how inattentive their husbands are”, and, nothing makes the woman’s stomach turn more than the prospect of misery.
Is that what is waiting for her? All those stories of knights in shining armor, all the tales of their grandmother’s happiness in marriage, what happened to that?
Why is it so difficult to find marital bliss? Does it even exist anymore?
And, so, the modern career gal breaks open another half-a-gallon of Breyers ice cream, turns on the romantic comedy, and, hopes that there is a real-life Josh Duhamel, who’ll sweep her off her feet just as she’s running off to work…
Here I wanted to address the very beginning. You enter a room, and, wonder “All these people here, where do I begin?”
“I’d like to be social, and amicable, but, HOW do I start?”
In this video I cover precisely the where and how of starting a conversation.
It’s no secret that people respond better to visual stimuli, rather than written ones. So, below I present to you my short videos.
The first one covers the world of interpersonal communication skills. Communication in any interaction is paramount, and, when one seeks a compatible partner, how else will you find if the person is right for you, on the same page, has the same values, and, all the qualities that you hold so dearly?
Relationships are hard, and, dating is even harder.
Hopefully, through my advice, you’ll be able to do a little better.
On my journey to become a better dating coach, I’ve hit many a barrier, learned quite a few things, and, have experienced the most amazing relationship known to man.
Here’s my story of how I got here.
Relationship Chef 